Posted by Mike Rollingwood on 6/8/2017 to News

OH, my fucking God! Did he just say, "Thanks, but not tonight?" How could've I misread this situation? I thought everything was going so well. Is't this what is supposed to happen around date three? What went wrong? So, he's not that into me, OK, I can take it. Now, you must respond. No, don't hide. Who says no to sex? You can ruminate later. There's nowhere to hide. Shit, he's still here. Speak up and act calm.

"OK, I had a great time. See you soon."  After an awkward hug and maybe a kiss, you are alone, trying to maintain your dignity.

Then it really dawns on you. I’ve just been rejected after offering up sex.  This wasn't a random hookup.  You had been out with him a few times.  Your mind is racing with thoughts that might include:  confusion, stupidity, shame, doubt, and maybe even a little anger.  And, you may also be horny, though this kind of moment can cause a girl to feel like she just got sacked.  This phenomenon isn’t uncommon, nor are the negative feelings we have when it does.

As progressive as we want to be, women are still not expected to propose sex in American society.  As provincial as that is, to make things a little worse, men are not supposed to say no when it comes to offers of sex.

Even if we are educated to be empowered modern women, a little post-rejection blush is usually in order for the woman who did the propositioning in the first place.  You may become a prisoner of your own mind, at least for a little while, in the aftermath of this rejection.

Now, there are actual and perceived reasons why he may have said no.  As rejection just happened, thinking that he lost his cock in a freak incident with a sea turtle is not out of the realm of possibility.

However, your mind races, searching for concrete reasons why he said no?

Perhaps your mind will be kind to yourself for a few minutes and you will have neutral, if not positive thoughts about his response:  maybe he likes to take things slowly, he isn’t feeling well, he doesn’t have any condoms, he likes sleeping in his own bed, or he is running a 10K in the morning and needs to conserve his energy.  Or, you feel like embracing a bitchier tone and think to yourself, “I really don’t like him that much anyway." But, as legitimate as these feelings are, our minds often turn to a more pernicious place of self-doubt and loathing.

It is hard not to try to blame yourself, but we typically do it anyway.  Even the most confident woman may have some moments of doubt following a rejection to an overt or implied invitation to sex.  Our minds go to thoughts such as:  He doesn’t like me.  I’m not pretty enough.  He doesn’t like my body.

Game on. Then shame can creep in.  I am a slut.  I shouldn’t have done that. What’s the matter with me?

That’s where we need to stop these kind of thoughts right in their tracks. Unless you wouldn’t take no for an answer, threw up on his shoes, or if you called him a wuss after he said no, there is no need to apologize. You did nothing wrong.

American society is moving towards agreeing with you, but it isn’t quite there yet. Gender roles still have their stigmas, and while women propositioning men for sex isn’t verboten, having a man reject a woman still can be seen as a flaw in the woman.  Even though that is bullshit, that is how many women still feel.

Now, you need to decide, do you want to continue to see this guy?   Sometimes you may not feel up for sex, for whatever reason, too.  Maybe you need to get waxed, your apartment is a mess, you are tired, or you just aren’t in the mood.  And, if he was kind in his delivery of the no, it’s only fair to give the guy a little wiggle room to decline sex too.

If you know that you want to continue dating him, things may not be over after the rejection.  You don't need to run. You don't need to be embarrassed.  But, in order to maintain some self-preservation, do think over your past few dates. Try to be objective about how things were going. Did you connect?  Did you laugh often? Did you want to hook up because you thought you should, were just horny or because you want to move forward with him?

You will know sooner or later if his no had a bearing on moving forward with a relationship or not. You may want to be direct and address the elephant in the room, but most people choose a more subtle method of communication. If you continue to date this man, you might be apprehensive about bringing up the subject again. You may be inclined to let him take the lead, but if that isn’t your way, then don’t be afraid to broach the subject again at another time.

The bottom line, don’t let this rejection put you off asking for sex when you feel like it is appropriate. Don’t let these feelings of doubt and inadequacy overwhelm you. 

 Give yourself a break.

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